Live as you're dead.

I never used to think living like a dead person would be my wish someday.

Since my childhood, I've thought about being a lawyer, a singer, a diplomat, a writer, a news anchor, a columnist, a coffee shop owner, a book store clerk, a boutique salesgirl......all these fancies based on one common assumption, that life is a positive thing and I want to live the most out of it. Unfortunately I have thousands of doubts about that now. It's not in a bad way, you should now.

I try to reflect on myself for some moments everyday, but the pure loneliness makes me unable to clear my thoughts every time. When people start to pity him/herself, all of his/her judgments become unjustifiable. Hence I realize that I need get rid of the self-pity thing before any thoughts come up. It's difficult and almost impossible, but worth a try.

Work is tiring, actually not bad. I can't say it's something I'm passionate with, coz all the passions about things you haven't really experienced is just a lie you told yourself repeatedly. It's a bubble that can break at any moment, like the property market now. And getting back to the topic, being a journalist is never my deemed terminal, but an experience that I think would be favorable to what I really want. (What I really want is another question here.) Like when you're on the way to somewhere, stop at some critical points will make the journey more meaningful and the destination more enjoyable. But with all the discretions to choose the path, and a terrible decision make as I am, I really don't know whether I'm right about mine. Not to mention what the "destination", or "discretions", really means. Just by giving them a second thought I get myself totally messed up.

That leads to the start of this post, when I tried to get something out of all these inconclusive pieces, maybe live like a dead person isn't that bad as it sounds. To even sound crazier, maybe I am living like a dead person, and everyone else is too. We all crave for liveliness and we all have had that. It certainly tastes sweet. But look at everything into the essence, you see a black hole and you feel bored. Most terribly yet quite fairly, the more you want to squeeze out of the life which you got unexpectedly, the faster it's eating back at you.

Some like to pitch life as an enemy to battle with, which sounds too serious to me. But if it has to be, taking it easy is probably the only way to win. And in the battle of mine, I know I don't have to win, I always can pretend to be dead, for a while or for long. That doesn't really matter.