Trivial matters.

Since writing has become the majority and priority of my daily life in terms of "a job", my interest of writing something belongs to me is receding everyday.

It's bad. Also good.

I bought a recorder, a years-awaited desire, before the inclusive interview yesterday. It's actually a birthday present from someone close to me, though the process of getting it is in no way romantic. But like you said, let's just be practical for now.

I was expecting the recorder can to some extent fix the blank of the forgone writing, though I know it won't. I got no idea what I will talk about if I was talking to no one, not even myself, but a digital device. And as my concerns kept emerging, I realized something funny.

Maybe, I say maybe -- Whilst I'm bothering with all these different manners to record what seems matter, I am just trying to numb myself and bury a fact, that nothing matters enough to be recorded.

But even to me it sounds too relentless. So screw it.

We're all trivial living creatures and we've been happy with that for ages.

SATC 2.

It's kinda ironic to watch the movie of SATC2 alone after I just got stood up by one of my best girlfriends. Thank goodness the accident didn't manage to ruin the movie. Actually I know I love it before I watch. And it's just impossible for me to keep the minimal amount of rationality if we're talking about SATC here. So this is not a movie review, just some quick recording.

There're several fragments that really touched me:

1. Vowing moment in the Gay wedding. When Anthony said to Stanley:" It was not love at the first sight, (everyone laughed) but it does turn out to be love......You're the first person to take me as who I actually am," he became unable to proceed because of the tears in eyes, and I had tears in my eyes too.

2. Charlotte and Miranda's drinking talking in the suite's bar. The two mothers finally got some moments to speak up things they dare not to even admit otherwise. The talking thing can be really burdensome from time to time, at moments like this, having someone to "Sip!" us is actually a bliss. And Miranda is definitely the perfect "Sip!" friend.

3. "Tonight's just for girls, but I'm available tomorrow alllll day and night," said Samantha, after she successfully hooked a target up. This can't be the first time that I heard it from S, just as heart-warming as the first time. Everyone has a ranking system internally, that's how we choose date A over date B, turn down date C to meet up date D. And for Samantha, despite of her obsession with sex, girls always rank the highest. To some extent, that's what SATC is all about, isn't it?

As to Carrie, except for the fashion icon, she always stands for all kinds of mistakes we could possibly make and all types of stupidness we could possibly be born with. She is the person that you look into the mirror everyday. The only difference is she always gets to have a happy ending and you don't, as she's a figure on the screen and you are a flesh in the cruel world.

Last but not least, if I have to rank them, I would say Miranda is the fav. of mine. This woman is beyond words.

And lucky for me, I got to meet up another best girlfriend after the movie. And the HagenDaz she bought me made my day.

Live as you're dead.

I never used to think living like a dead person would be my wish someday.

Since my childhood, I've thought about being a lawyer, a singer, a diplomat, a writer, a news anchor, a columnist, a coffee shop owner, a book store clerk, a boutique salesgirl......all these fancies based on one common assumption, that life is a positive thing and I want to live the most out of it. Unfortunately I have thousands of doubts about that now. It's not in a bad way, you should now.

I try to reflect on myself for some moments everyday, but the pure loneliness makes me unable to clear my thoughts every time. When people start to pity him/herself, all of his/her judgments become unjustifiable. Hence I realize that I need get rid of the self-pity thing before any thoughts come up. It's difficult and almost impossible, but worth a try.

Work is tiring, actually not bad. I can't say it's something I'm passionate with, coz all the passions about things you haven't really experienced is just a lie you told yourself repeatedly. It's a bubble that can break at any moment, like the property market now. And getting back to the topic, being a journalist is never my deemed terminal, but an experience that I think would be favorable to what I really want. (What I really want is another question here.) Like when you're on the way to somewhere, stop at some critical points will make the journey more meaningful and the destination more enjoyable. But with all the discretions to choose the path, and a terrible decision make as I am, I really don't know whether I'm right about mine. Not to mention what the "destination", or "discretions", really means. Just by giving them a second thought I get myself totally messed up.

That leads to the start of this post, when I tried to get something out of all these inconclusive pieces, maybe live like a dead person isn't that bad as it sounds. To even sound crazier, maybe I am living like a dead person, and everyone else is too. We all crave for liveliness and we all have had that. It certainly tastes sweet. But look at everything into the essence, you see a black hole and you feel bored. Most terribly yet quite fairly, the more you want to squeeze out of the life which you got unexpectedly, the faster it's eating back at you.

Some like to pitch life as an enemy to battle with, which sounds too serious to me. But if it has to be, taking it easy is probably the only way to win. And in the battle of mine, I know I don't have to win, I always can pretend to be dead, for a while or for long. That doesn't really matter.