A normal life.

"I just want you to live a normal life," my father said it to me for countless times. And he said this every time when he felt disappointed at me, I believe.


I remember one of my friends Lynn also expressed this wish to me once. (though we're in a cold war now, for I've been childish again yesterday.)


I guess that's why I've always feared so much and tried so hard to prevent people care about me most to know my deep down part, for those people, of course I'm indicating my parents.


First of all, I'm not sure about the definition of "a normal life". Secondly, if I do know, that would be the last life that I'm willing to live. I can't explain this bizarre intention, but as Milan Kundera said, we only have a one-time life and there're no way that we can draw a draft of it coz life itself is its own draft, therefore living it differently is the only desire I've held firmly towards it, the so-called life.


But how can I make the people I love to understand it? How can I disappoint them when all they expect from me is just "living a normal life"? I think that explains why I feel so stressed out whenever I think of my parents, and the way they look at me.


Nevertheless, one thing is for sure. Life is such a mystery that no one can claim he/she understands it more then anyone else does. For this part, life is actually fair.

needy of a break.

Somehow I exhausted myself these days, by preparing for a shitty presentation about two GIGANTIC companies that I don't understand at all, by starting to mourn for what I've lost (yes, told you that i'm still in the transition phase and i'm always slow in reacting to traumas), and by other unclear distracting factors.

I just received the check of my scholarship today, with completely no excitement. I guess that's because I've been thinking about and coming up with numerous possible plans with the usage of this money, and finally realized that my desire is as a black hole and the money is just too little to fulfill it. I'm so sure that I won't be happy anyway, no matter how I spent it eventually.

Gosh, really hate this feeling that everything is falling apart. i need a break.

Introspectation.

Well, I think I'm just fooling around myself by typing such a serious title, luckily I'm the only person to be fooled with here.

As I've said plenty of times recently, I am happy, while bearing a constant anxiety as well. It may seem a little bit obsessive, and I'm actually also repeatedly reminding myself: Are you kidding? What's wrong with being happy? Why can't you just relax for one time in your life and enjoy this rare positive feeling? (Right, it's really rare for me to feel happy.) And sometimes I'm wondering whether there're possibly another person on earth as pathetic as me, who is freaked out by her own positive mood. Although I hate doing this to myself, I also have to accept that it's my job to put up with this peculiar nature of me, that I just can't stop analyzing myself, for everything.

Thus I decide to spoil myself thoroughly, here, now, with the list below of any possible reasons behind my good mood. (I apologize to whoever is reading this, but hey, everyone has some kinda irrational obsession, I suppose?)

1. I got a tiny amount of scholarship recently, for my GPA of last semester tops among a bunch of uncompetitive fellows. I know, I know, I know I'm being a cocky bitch here, and no one can imagine how hard I've tried to get rid of this feeling, for I'm fully aware of how bitchy I could be.

But frankly speaking, it feels great to be acknowledged as No.1 based on certain standards, even if it's a lilbit ridiculous and somehow I feel myself being labelled with "nerd" thanks to this title. And most critically, I haven't got my cheque yet! (while the balances of my two bank accounts are acceleratingly getting close to zero...)

2. I broke up from a kinda abusive relationship recently. No, I'm not a geek who is glad to see her relationship break. I feel relieved because this is the healthiest breakup I could ever imagine, and I'm much maturer to handle it this time(compared to 2 years ago). Actually I'm still in the transition phase and figuring where it's leading to, but definitely, it's way better than I expected. And I'd like to give my highest level of gratitude to you (though you will never read this) for helping me get through this breakup, for being my X, and for being someone still close to me. Without you, I would never have achieved this.

3. I can still type a lot of other inspirations if I want, but none will be as concrete as the precious two. So I think I should probably just be honest to myself and stop here. Life is still as confusing as it's always been, but currently, at least I've two good reasons to assure myself that being happy is nothing wrong.

4. But darling, you really should get started with some real business coz things are piling up!

5. Ummmmm...starting from tomorrow! (what a creepy post and what a creepy end...)

Some thoughts about the long-gone love.

Just finished watching the latest episode of "Desperate Housewives". And here I am, rushing straightly to drop down the scene that impresses me:

Orson has made up his mind to commit suicide as he's lost the willpower to fight against the paralyzed life on a wheelchair. Before he actions Bree found out his intention and they were arguing about whether love still exists between them. Bree wasn't able to answer the question "do you still love me" directly(That's the exact thing that I admire about Bree, she never lies, even a white one). And for the last time of this type of conversation, just after she stopped Orson's attempt of rolling himself into a pool, she was asked the same question again. And it's the answer she gave that touches me:

“I loved you once, can I love you again? I don't know. But I would like to recapture what we once had, and we're not going to do that if you're not here. So, I'm asking you, please stay.”

This is what I appreciate of Bree, the gut to admit that love has been lost, and the gut to embrace it for the second time with the same person.

True, love can be fluid, and everyone in it has to be prepared for those tough times. But sadly, very few ever have, or even intend to overcome those times when they arrive. And when I reflect on myself in the relationships I ever had, I wouldn't blame myself for not trying hard enough. (Yes, I'm always the person being let go of.) But that's also the very thing that I should be blamed, that I've always been trapped in a self-built prison and waiting for other one to let me go, as I've never had the courage to admit the brutal fact that, something is gone, something we call it love.

Aim high.

Aim high, that's the sentence I kept repeating to myself when I was in high school. Then I lost it in the past few years during my undergraduate study, the years in which I was doing something totally dull and forced to pursue something I have completely no passion in. It was tough to feel that I wasn't me, and it's also tough enough to forget my favorite phrase: Aim high.

I didn't pick it up intentionally, but it just keeps pop into my mind as a clock keeps ticking. It reminds me of what I'm supposed to require myself. Yes, I've changed a lot these years, a lot different from the girl I was in high school, especially my personality, my ways of dealing with people around me, and my reflection of myself. But no, I'm not different enough to forgo the desire of excelling. I still crave for pride, success, and self-fulfillment. These things have faded away so badly in the last few years, and recently, thank god I'm conscious enough to feel them again.

I accidentally browsed a high school senior's page on Xiaonei and found that she is now working as an anchor at NBC in Washington. Her display photo is one taken when she just finished hosting a morning show, sitting beside the news table as an anchor. It's totally gorgeous of her. And as much as I'm jealous of her(I badly wonder whether I'm going to get there someday), I also feel strongly heartened that someone I know has achieved the goal she has pursued for so long. And most importantly, she demonstrates to me that the dreams seem so far away when we thought of it, is actually achievable. Meanwhile, I also realized that undoubtedly, what she has achieved is earned. As for me, what have I done to deserve my dreams? What is waiting to be done for me to earn the life I've been chasing? I hate self-questioning but I also believe it's a must. And as to the answers, well, definitely far from enough.

Looking at the bright side, at least I've done the first step, which is to realize that I should aim high. It's always worth it to aim high, as long as you decide it's worthy.