A closure, a start?

So after the two days scratching my head making a critical decision, I realized I'm not even close to fulfilling one of my new year resolutions - be fearless. 

Actually, I have deep fears in my heart. Some of them have been there for quite a long time. For all these years, I'm dealing with them by pretending they don't exist, while for this time, the very first time that I find pretentious ignorance doesn't really work. 

The one thing you should know, darling, is feigned courage doesn't make you a conqueror.

It sounds lame, I know. But I guess admitting the fear itself without fearing is also necessary. Since I'm already here - pretty far away from the person I'd wished to be, I just have to be honest with that. "Never fool the person in the mirror," I surely believe this is the right thing to do and I hope I've done it correctly.

做一个坚定的Pessimist。

现在我或许是不该看调调低沉的书的.但这两天还是在一切可以无所事事的间隙里重看了一遍《悲观主义的花朵》.原以为本书可以与自己现在的状态起到一点呼应,却发现是大大地估计错误了.
绝望,浓烈,不可自拔的爱——我没有.真的没有.
我有的只是一个个轻佻,虚荣,犯贱,自甘堕落的困境.
而我相信它们都是事出有因的,并且竟真的一点一点细致地回到自己过去的人生轨迹中去寻根究底.偶尔对别人说起,但并不要求对方会相信或理解.我已经不是小女孩了,不能再依赖没有道理的"原谅".
"Maybe it's finally time to deal with the real self of mine,"每天都对自己这么说着,因为总得想办法让自处变得简单些.
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虽然每天已经大部分时间都是独自一人的,但我还是嫌独处的时间不够.远远不够.
一无所有的日子里,所有的欲望的确只剩下一个人抱膝坐着.
而日子却不会理会你这卑微的愿望,依旧自顾自混乱地飞奔着.
几年前无意中学到的一点物理常识总是提醒着我:任何状态的熵永远在不可逆地增加着.亦即这个世界永远在不可逆地日益混乱着.如果不相信一个万能的上帝,尊重科学便是我唯一的出路了吧.
我想让日子规整一点,简单一点,不那么混乱一点,无异于做梦.
何况我对生活上一次还可以用"简单"来形容的那个截屏已经毫无印象.
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小时候很期待将来,是相信将来总会比当下好;小时候也会害怕将来,是害怕它没有自己想象的好.
现在我还是期待将来,是奢望将来不至于像现在这么糟;现在我已不再害怕将来,因为我知道它总会结束.
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我想没有人知道我在说什么,这就对了.

It might be inappropriate for me to read any grey-styled book for now. Still, I finished rereading the book in all my possible spare time these days. And it turns out I was totally wrong by expecting it could answer some of my current confusions.

No. I definitely have no such kind of desperate, wild and powerless affection. What I got is just a dozen of frivolous and depraved dilemmas.

Interestingly, while I believe I must be caught in for some reasons, I did spend some patience to trace back the path I've been through for an attribution of the situation. And I even mentioned to some of my friends pretending thoughtlessly. It all became possible as I didn't expect any understanding or acceptance. I'm just too old to depend on others' forgiveness any more.

"Maybe it's finally time to deal with the real self of mine," I told myself everyday as something has to be done to make it easier staying with myself.

While I am spending most of time by myself everyday, it's still far from what I need. In days like this that one truly have nothing to lose, all her desire has shrank to sitting there holding her own knees.

But this is not how it works, as life still rushes forward in a disordered way.

According to some physics that I accidentally picked up years ago, entropy is always increasing in our world. That means, as long as a mess exists, irreversibly, getting bigger and bigger is the only way it goes. I suppose believing in science is the one and only choice left with me as I have no god in my heart.

Hence, I would just be daydreaming while I hope everything can turn to be simple again. Not to mention I can't actually recall when was the last screen capture that everything was simple.

I liked to fantasize about a future when I was little, and I still expect one now. For as a pessimist, I know even if there has to be something we call it "future", it will end after all.

I wish no one understood what I've been talking, coz no one should.

first published feature.

You can actually tell from the date that it's been quite a time ago. Crazy working days have dried all my subjective initiatives, except for I have to spare a little effort to be aware of what I've been doing everyday. This is the most important thing that demands absolute seriousness.

Hope it's not too impossible to enjoy the feature. =)

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Perfect match

Ellen Wang

Monday, June 28, 2010

If asked what is their most memorable day, most would say, without hesitation, it was their wedding day.

In the company of parents, relatives and close friends, a couple exchange vows and pledge eternal devotion to each other.

The solemnity then gives way to celebration and the heart of the joyous occasion is the banquet.

Chinese couples who stick to tradition serve a feast to guests in a dragon and phoenix-bedecked hall.

These days, however, many prefer a Western-style hotel banquet.

But what about a touch of tradition in a modern setting?

This combination of old and new is the brainchild of Cheung Tze-ho, chairman and chief executive of Choi Fook Holdings.

In 2006 he opened Choi Fook Royal Banquet in Mong Kok, the first Chinese restaurant in Hong Kong specializing in Western-style weddings.

Two weeks ago the sixth Choi Fook Royal Banquet, this one equipped with a mahjong parlor, opened in Wan Chai.

Many of the 40,000 couples who tie the knot every year in Hong Kong probably have Choi Fook in mind when drawing up plans for their big day.

Founded in 2000, Choi Fook started as one of thousands of Chinese restaurants that help make Hong Kong a gourmet's paradise.

At first Cheung did not have a clear goal in mind. All he had was sheer determination.

"I have to succeed this time," he recalled pledging to himself back then.

Realizing that competition is tough in the catering trade, Cheung had to offer something different to survive.

With an eye on market demand, he surveyed the wedding banquet scene.

"The dragon and phoenix background has long been outdated. But food quality in hotel banquets, although more expensive, can never be as good as those served in Chinese restaurants," Cheung said.

So he decided to make the best of both worlds, and over the years built up a specialized business that rakes in HK$300 million a year.

Each of the six Choi Fook Royal Banquet restaurants has a unique theme. One has an added attraction - a mahjong parlor.

And in Tsim Sha Tsui, Choi Fook operates Voila PartyHouse, where revelers can enjoy drinks and a barbecue after the banquet.

Cheung only studied up to Form Three and worked as a cleaner, fitness instructor and courier.

Then at the age of 25, he ventured into the restaurant trade in partnership with his father. But the business collapsed after only a few months.

In the following three years he was a truck driver, but even behind the steering wheel he kept dreaming of becoming a boss.

"I was born to be a boss," Cheung recalled. "All I could think of was not to work for others for long. I had to be my own boss someday."

Cheung was good as his word. He parted company with his truck and with some partners opened the first Choi Fook restaurant in North Point in 2000.

"I don't believe in failure. There are just ups and downs, and all of them make me stronger," said Cheung. "If I hadn't made mistakes when I was in the restaurant business the first time, I wouldn't know how to make the right decision now."

But the road ahead wasn't always smooth for the former truck driver. Even after the first Choi Fook Royal Banquet welcomed newly weds he faced some setbacks.

In a bid to blend East and West, the restaurant's decor was predominantly white to create a church-like atmosphere.

It was definitely going against tradition, as Cheung soon realized. "It was badly received in the beginning, especially among the older generation. We suffered losses for three months before we made a profit."

But slowly the idea of holding wedding banquets in Chinese restaurants with western decorations began to be accepted.

As Choi Fook's success blossomed, rivals latched on to the idea. Many Chinese restaurant began adopting Western themes. And hotels alarmed that their business was being hit cut their prices.

"Originally we charged 30 percent less than Western hotels. Now we're 20 percent cheaper," Cheung said.

But his aim is to tap the medium to high-end market. "We provide high- quality food and services to those who want top-quality weddings."

Cheung knows he now has many competitors, but he says with a shrug: "There's nothing to be worried as long as we always try to serve our customers in the best possible way."

He added that service is the most crucial aspect in the restaurant business, and that is something his rivals cannot copy.

As part of the service, Choi Fook offers free advice to couples preparing for matrimony.

"We understand that people can be really nervous when they're getting married. That's why we've hired certified wedding planners to provide our customers with all kinds of suggestions, including how to get their photographs taken, hotels and other wedding details."

This ambition to fully capture the wedding market prompted the introduction of the Voila PartyHouse and mahjong parlor to provide a one-stop wedding service.

All these seem to signal that Choi Fook Holdings is gradually moving from being a restaurant chain to a specialized wedding caterer.

According to Cheung, wedding banquets account for 60 percent of Choi Fook's total business, the remaining being normal restaurant business.

Cheung admits that in the past 10 years his goals have changed all the time.

"In 2000, my ambition was to open one new branch each year. But now I just want to strengthen Choi Fook's position in the wedding banquet market.

"People think of Tao Heung first when they talk about hot pot. That's what I want to accomplish with Choi Fook. I want Choi Fook to be the first name that comes to people's minds when they think of wedding banquets." Cheung said.

He said the long-term plan was to let Choi Fook go public. "But I'm not in a rush," Cheung emphasized.

"Any listing will have to come after Choi Fook has secured the leading position in the wedding banquet industry. I want people to realize that a restaurant stock can also be a blue chip."

Trivial matters.

Since writing has become the majority and priority of my daily life in terms of "a job", my interest of writing something belongs to me is receding everyday.

It's bad. Also good.

I bought a recorder, a years-awaited desire, before the inclusive interview yesterday. It's actually a birthday present from someone close to me, though the process of getting it is in no way romantic. But like you said, let's just be practical for now.

I was expecting the recorder can to some extent fix the blank of the forgone writing, though I know it won't. I got no idea what I will talk about if I was talking to no one, not even myself, but a digital device. And as my concerns kept emerging, I realized something funny.

Maybe, I say maybe -- Whilst I'm bothering with all these different manners to record what seems matter, I am just trying to numb myself and bury a fact, that nothing matters enough to be recorded.

But even to me it sounds too relentless. So screw it.

We're all trivial living creatures and we've been happy with that for ages.

SATC 2.

It's kinda ironic to watch the movie of SATC2 alone after I just got stood up by one of my best girlfriends. Thank goodness the accident didn't manage to ruin the movie. Actually I know I love it before I watch. And it's just impossible for me to keep the minimal amount of rationality if we're talking about SATC here. So this is not a movie review, just some quick recording.

There're several fragments that really touched me:

1. Vowing moment in the Gay wedding. When Anthony said to Stanley:" It was not love at the first sight, (everyone laughed) but it does turn out to be love......You're the first person to take me as who I actually am," he became unable to proceed because of the tears in eyes, and I had tears in my eyes too.

2. Charlotte and Miranda's drinking talking in the suite's bar. The two mothers finally got some moments to speak up things they dare not to even admit otherwise. The talking thing can be really burdensome from time to time, at moments like this, having someone to "Sip!" us is actually a bliss. And Miranda is definitely the perfect "Sip!" friend.

3. "Tonight's just for girls, but I'm available tomorrow alllll day and night," said Samantha, after she successfully hooked a target up. This can't be the first time that I heard it from S, just as heart-warming as the first time. Everyone has a ranking system internally, that's how we choose date A over date B, turn down date C to meet up date D. And for Samantha, despite of her obsession with sex, girls always rank the highest. To some extent, that's what SATC is all about, isn't it?

As to Carrie, except for the fashion icon, she always stands for all kinds of mistakes we could possibly make and all types of stupidness we could possibly be born with. She is the person that you look into the mirror everyday. The only difference is she always gets to have a happy ending and you don't, as she's a figure on the screen and you are a flesh in the cruel world.

Last but not least, if I have to rank them, I would say Miranda is the fav. of mine. This woman is beyond words.

And lucky for me, I got to meet up another best girlfriend after the movie. And the HagenDaz she bought me made my day.

Live as you're dead.

I never used to think living like a dead person would be my wish someday.

Since my childhood, I've thought about being a lawyer, a singer, a diplomat, a writer, a news anchor, a columnist, a coffee shop owner, a book store clerk, a boutique salesgirl......all these fancies based on one common assumption, that life is a positive thing and I want to live the most out of it. Unfortunately I have thousands of doubts about that now. It's not in a bad way, you should now.

I try to reflect on myself for some moments everyday, but the pure loneliness makes me unable to clear my thoughts every time. When people start to pity him/herself, all of his/her judgments become unjustifiable. Hence I realize that I need get rid of the self-pity thing before any thoughts come up. It's difficult and almost impossible, but worth a try.

Work is tiring, actually not bad. I can't say it's something I'm passionate with, coz all the passions about things you haven't really experienced is just a lie you told yourself repeatedly. It's a bubble that can break at any moment, like the property market now. And getting back to the topic, being a journalist is never my deemed terminal, but an experience that I think would be favorable to what I really want. (What I really want is another question here.) Like when you're on the way to somewhere, stop at some critical points will make the journey more meaningful and the destination more enjoyable. But with all the discretions to choose the path, and a terrible decision make as I am, I really don't know whether I'm right about mine. Not to mention what the "destination", or "discretions", really means. Just by giving them a second thought I get myself totally messed up.

That leads to the start of this post, when I tried to get something out of all these inconclusive pieces, maybe live like a dead person isn't that bad as it sounds. To even sound crazier, maybe I am living like a dead person, and everyone else is too. We all crave for liveliness and we all have had that. It certainly tastes sweet. But look at everything into the essence, you see a black hole and you feel bored. Most terribly yet quite fairly, the more you want to squeeze out of the life which you got unexpectedly, the faster it's eating back at you.

Some like to pitch life as an enemy to battle with, which sounds too serious to me. But if it has to be, taking it easy is probably the only way to win. And in the battle of mine, I know I don't have to win, I always can pretend to be dead, for a while or for long. That doesn't really matter.

An unexpected overnight.

I was in the middle of a movie when the messenger box popped out. The time was around two to three in the midnight, I can't remember exactly. It was Jingjing, who happens to also be a Virgo, asked me whether I could help her with a survey of her final project.

It later became a hybrid of a nice conversation with her and the rest of the movie. After everything, it was already five a.m. When I was about to sleep after shutting down the machine, the image outside somehow amazed me: the color of the sky has quietly whitened.

Unknown birds were tweeting.

This must be the gentlest overnight I've ever made, yet it doesn't affect the innocence of a dawn.

It may be the same daybreak that one encounters in consciousness or after waking up from a sound sleep. Just two utterly different realizations.

Without any guiltiness I immersed myself in the euphoria by taking photos aimlessly with my dusted Canon. I realized it was foolish when I was doing all these. It was also the foolishness that raised the horizon of my euphoria.

Now I'm losing idea about whether or not to take a poor-quality nap before the breakfast at 10:30.

Life is a dilemma.

*

She told me that there must be someone out there waiting to love me. And I cried.

A normal life.

"I just want you to live a normal life," my father said it to me for countless times. And he said this every time when he felt disappointed at me, I believe.


I remember one of my friends Lynn also expressed this wish to me once. (though we're in a cold war now, for I've been childish again yesterday.)


I guess that's why I've always feared so much and tried so hard to prevent people care about me most to know my deep down part, for those people, of course I'm indicating my parents.


First of all, I'm not sure about the definition of "a normal life". Secondly, if I do know, that would be the last life that I'm willing to live. I can't explain this bizarre intention, but as Milan Kundera said, we only have a one-time life and there're no way that we can draw a draft of it coz life itself is its own draft, therefore living it differently is the only desire I've held firmly towards it, the so-called life.


But how can I make the people I love to understand it? How can I disappoint them when all they expect from me is just "living a normal life"? I think that explains why I feel so stressed out whenever I think of my parents, and the way they look at me.


Nevertheless, one thing is for sure. Life is such a mystery that no one can claim he/she understands it more then anyone else does. For this part, life is actually fair.

needy of a break.

Somehow I exhausted myself these days, by preparing for a shitty presentation about two GIGANTIC companies that I don't understand at all, by starting to mourn for what I've lost (yes, told you that i'm still in the transition phase and i'm always slow in reacting to traumas), and by other unclear distracting factors.

I just received the check of my scholarship today, with completely no excitement. I guess that's because I've been thinking about and coming up with numerous possible plans with the usage of this money, and finally realized that my desire is as a black hole and the money is just too little to fulfill it. I'm so sure that I won't be happy anyway, no matter how I spent it eventually.

Gosh, really hate this feeling that everything is falling apart. i need a break.

Introspectation.

Well, I think I'm just fooling around myself by typing such a serious title, luckily I'm the only person to be fooled with here.

As I've said plenty of times recently, I am happy, while bearing a constant anxiety as well. It may seem a little bit obsessive, and I'm actually also repeatedly reminding myself: Are you kidding? What's wrong with being happy? Why can't you just relax for one time in your life and enjoy this rare positive feeling? (Right, it's really rare for me to feel happy.) And sometimes I'm wondering whether there're possibly another person on earth as pathetic as me, who is freaked out by her own positive mood. Although I hate doing this to myself, I also have to accept that it's my job to put up with this peculiar nature of me, that I just can't stop analyzing myself, for everything.

Thus I decide to spoil myself thoroughly, here, now, with the list below of any possible reasons behind my good mood. (I apologize to whoever is reading this, but hey, everyone has some kinda irrational obsession, I suppose?)

1. I got a tiny amount of scholarship recently, for my GPA of last semester tops among a bunch of uncompetitive fellows. I know, I know, I know I'm being a cocky bitch here, and no one can imagine how hard I've tried to get rid of this feeling, for I'm fully aware of how bitchy I could be.

But frankly speaking, it feels great to be acknowledged as No.1 based on certain standards, even if it's a lilbit ridiculous and somehow I feel myself being labelled with "nerd" thanks to this title. And most critically, I haven't got my cheque yet! (while the balances of my two bank accounts are acceleratingly getting close to zero...)

2. I broke up from a kinda abusive relationship recently. No, I'm not a geek who is glad to see her relationship break. I feel relieved because this is the healthiest breakup I could ever imagine, and I'm much maturer to handle it this time(compared to 2 years ago). Actually I'm still in the transition phase and figuring where it's leading to, but definitely, it's way better than I expected. And I'd like to give my highest level of gratitude to you (though you will never read this) for helping me get through this breakup, for being my X, and for being someone still close to me. Without you, I would never have achieved this.

3. I can still type a lot of other inspirations if I want, but none will be as concrete as the precious two. So I think I should probably just be honest to myself and stop here. Life is still as confusing as it's always been, but currently, at least I've two good reasons to assure myself that being happy is nothing wrong.

4. But darling, you really should get started with some real business coz things are piling up!

5. Ummmmm...starting from tomorrow! (what a creepy post and what a creepy end...)

Some thoughts about the long-gone love.

Just finished watching the latest episode of "Desperate Housewives". And here I am, rushing straightly to drop down the scene that impresses me:

Orson has made up his mind to commit suicide as he's lost the willpower to fight against the paralyzed life on a wheelchair. Before he actions Bree found out his intention and they were arguing about whether love still exists between them. Bree wasn't able to answer the question "do you still love me" directly(That's the exact thing that I admire about Bree, she never lies, even a white one). And for the last time of this type of conversation, just after she stopped Orson's attempt of rolling himself into a pool, she was asked the same question again. And it's the answer she gave that touches me:

“I loved you once, can I love you again? I don't know. But I would like to recapture what we once had, and we're not going to do that if you're not here. So, I'm asking you, please stay.”

This is what I appreciate of Bree, the gut to admit that love has been lost, and the gut to embrace it for the second time with the same person.

True, love can be fluid, and everyone in it has to be prepared for those tough times. But sadly, very few ever have, or even intend to overcome those times when they arrive. And when I reflect on myself in the relationships I ever had, I wouldn't blame myself for not trying hard enough. (Yes, I'm always the person being let go of.) But that's also the very thing that I should be blamed, that I've always been trapped in a self-built prison and waiting for other one to let me go, as I've never had the courage to admit the brutal fact that, something is gone, something we call it love.

Aim high.

Aim high, that's the sentence I kept repeating to myself when I was in high school. Then I lost it in the past few years during my undergraduate study, the years in which I was doing something totally dull and forced to pursue something I have completely no passion in. It was tough to feel that I wasn't me, and it's also tough enough to forget my favorite phrase: Aim high.

I didn't pick it up intentionally, but it just keeps pop into my mind as a clock keeps ticking. It reminds me of what I'm supposed to require myself. Yes, I've changed a lot these years, a lot different from the girl I was in high school, especially my personality, my ways of dealing with people around me, and my reflection of myself. But no, I'm not different enough to forgo the desire of excelling. I still crave for pride, success, and self-fulfillment. These things have faded away so badly in the last few years, and recently, thank god I'm conscious enough to feel them again.

I accidentally browsed a high school senior's page on Xiaonei and found that she is now working as an anchor at NBC in Washington. Her display photo is one taken when she just finished hosting a morning show, sitting beside the news table as an anchor. It's totally gorgeous of her. And as much as I'm jealous of her(I badly wonder whether I'm going to get there someday), I also feel strongly heartened that someone I know has achieved the goal she has pursued for so long. And most importantly, she demonstrates to me that the dreams seem so far away when we thought of it, is actually achievable. Meanwhile, I also realized that undoubtedly, what she has achieved is earned. As for me, what have I done to deserve my dreams? What is waiting to be done for me to earn the life I've been chasing? I hate self-questioning but I also believe it's a must. And as to the answers, well, definitely far from enough.

Looking at the bright side, at least I've done the first step, which is to realize that I should aim high. It's always worth it to aim high, as long as you decide it's worthy.

really frustrated.

My Chinese blog at BlogBus is blocked by the mainland China. It's really frustrating for a blogbus user for more than three years like me. I never thought that these WALL thing would bring too much impact on me since most of the time I am in Hong Kong, in which the access to a lot of block aims are usually secured. But this time, it's just blocked, without any forewarning.

As a Chinese, it's hard for me not to start questioning what my nation is doing will lead its people to. If blocking numerous websites is the only way to secure the authority, if the large population can always be an excuse, will it even succeed to make sense? And how long would it be able to last in the way it is now? Frankly I have no idea. No one has an idea.