Quotes of Margaret Atwood

“The answers you get from literature depend on the questions you pose.”

“I was sand, I was snow — written on, rewritten, smoothed over.”

“There is something reassuring about the toilets. Bodily functions at least remain democratic. Everybody shits.”

"Oblivion was increasingly attractive, since why retain your brain when no amount of thinking could even begin to solve the problem? It wasn't even a problem, it was beyond a problem. It was more like a looming general collapse."

what we talk about when we talk about aging.(完美跑题)

有一天下班挤在地铁上，前面是个老太太，人比我矮，离我又那么地近，逼于无奈盯着她头顶稀疏的头发过了几个站。那些时间里，我突然意识到，老了就是这样的，如果“有幸”活到那时候，有一天我也会变成那样：头顶苍白，手上爬满了老人斑。
这一幕持续的时间，长得足以唤醒了我对变老的恐惧，以及我似乎已经忘记这种恐惧很多年了。我从来是一个对于变老的恐惧远大于死亡的人。小时候我恐惧变老，甚至根本无法想象“自己是一个30出头的女人”这件事情会真的发生。那是年少轻狂的恐惧，是完全基于想象和未知的恐惧，就像活着的人恐惧死亡。可是现在，再重温这份恐惧，却像感到这件事每分每秒都在发生，没有想象的空间，没有蜿蜒的余地。我不知道其他所有人是如何承受这些变化的，如何眼看着自己日复一日地走向衰老，却仍然泰然处之。是不是每个人都一面视而不见，假装一切都好，一面默默放弃对生命的挣扎？
想着就一阵悲凉。
现在的我去便利店买烟还是会被要求出示身份证，虽然每次都不乐意，但我知道，哪一天他们不再查我的身份证了，我会更不乐意的。因为不乐意和更不乐意就是人生的唯二选项。
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这个让我想到王尔德的《The Picture of Dorian Gray》。Dorian Gray年轻俊美，容貌好看得周围的身旁每一个人都忍不住要盛赞，要为这容颜终有一天会老去而提前哀伤。年轻的Dorian也将这哀伤植入内心，渴望自己拥有不老之身，默默许下愿望，希望画家Basil为他画的完美的画像可以替他承受一切岁月的痕迹。他的愿望成真了。画像一天天变老，每天都出现新的痕迹，腐朽的、邪恶的、世俗的、肮脏的⋯⋯一切他所行之恶，都在画像上结了果。画像成了Dorian最大的心结和秘密，他的灵魂被腐蚀得疮痍满目，而在世人眼中却仍然完美无暇，拥有着他人梦想拥有的一切。最终，Dorian不堪心灵的重负，一刀刺死画像。而这一刀也刺死了他自己，他的尸体丑陋得别人几乎辨认不出，血淋淋的画像上，却仍是他年轻时完美的容貌。
这是王尔德的第一部小说，充斥着唯美主义和青春至上的影子。而书中最重要的角色，相信大多数人都会认同，其实是Dorian的朋友Lord Henry。可以说Dorian一生的悲剧都是Lord Henry的旁敲侧击潜移默化中造成的。而Lord Henry，大多数人都和我一样，相信那就是王尔德本人的化身。可以说王尔德将自己植入Lord Henry这个角色，而Dorian，更像是他渴望、同时也警惕着自己成为的人。他如此绝望又炽烈地追求美，同时也分身出来，毫不客气地对其进行最赤裸的揭露和抨击。
极端的美是可以逃脱道德的。因此极端的美也就是极端的丑。就像王尔德在序言中写，all art is quite useless.
我想，其实所有的问题都来自于自怜自艾。
公司一个同事，三四十岁，当妈也好些年头了，前些日子去给脸上打了几针，花了几万，瘪下去的双颊就奇异地饱满了起来。我听着，难以给出什么恰当的反应，尴尬地笑了笑。每个人都一样害怕变老。这害怕本身，最让我害怕。

(本篇英文版难产⋯)

Watch out, Pessimist.

I'm a pessimist. always been one. I believe it's the realistic/mature way to see life. But the other part of the reality that I left out was, you can't possibly deal with the bloody reality with not a bit of the optimism seeds. Everyone needs a dose of that kind, and so do I.
I only drop this down coz I realized that my pessimism used to hurt, and is still hurting people that I love. And I also realize that being pessimistic can be nothing like acting pessimistically.
Perceive life in a pessimistic way; live it in an optimistic way. It sounds like crap. But one doesn't run away from one's own fart. 

我是个悲观主义者。一直都是。我相信悲观才是现实的。但我忽略了另一部分现实，如果没有那么点儿乐观，现实便根本无从面对。

写下这个是因为我突然意识到自己的悲观情绪曾经伤害过，并且还在伤害着那些我爱的人。

我想很多人都对“悲观”二字有着太深的偏见和误解。不过没什么所谓。因为我现在知道，内心悲观和表现得悲观可以完全是两回事。

悲观地看待生命，乐观地执行生命。这听上去像是一句屁话，然而但凡是自己悟出来的屁话，便也不无道理了。

A year.

A year has passed since I started earning my own living.

Recently, memory of the days I spent over the former two jobs occurred to me quite a lot.

I started my first day in X Journal in November last year. As we were working on a new website and the boss was aggressive(or stupid) enough to think that it should compete Bloomberg, I showed up at 6am everyday by getting up at 5. After several hours' machine-alike translating, the boss would shout over MSN to annouce our freeom of a short breakfast break. Then I would flee to get a smoke in the stairway in that industrial building, antiquated as it would collapse at any time. A winterly beam of sunshine would cast in from the high window in the stairway, watching the smog burning out of my cigarette dispersed, and finally disappeared in it. Then I get back to the office for breakfast. My local colleage grumbled on the same thing over and over everyday, thanks to which I grew a filter system in my ears for the discharge of excessive bullshits. All I had in mind was one thing. I wondered how many of days like that still waited ahead.

Before long, I was back to S Paper and was a reporter again. To be fair, I didn't enjoy so much being a reporter, neither did I possess the quality to make a good one. Except that a slight sense of satisfaction was indeed felt seeing my name inked in as a byline. I never raised questions on a press conference, for I never really had a question or necessary curiosity. I hardly exchange thoughts with my peers, not that I never tried, simply couldn't fit in. Meanwhile, though, I rarely had problems getting the job done. If I got luck, I even got compliments for writing a good story sometimes, which felt so distant now. But nothing could alter the fact that life as a reporter is in its nature hecticly disordered: I never cared to have a serious meal, while refreshments at conferences could just make a day. I was at my lightest. The job was in general acceptable in a friendly weather, but when the sky lost its temper, I lost my patience of faking everything was okay.

Oddly, when I think of those days, while all the details are still vividly clear, the time itself feels ouotrageously remote. So remote that I'm not even convinced it was me who went through it, or, I just stole someone else's life and lived that for a while.

That's how I come to realize one thing: in the future, I will feel the same way about the present being. The current days is doomed as a future memory with the same kind of irrelevancy. One never lives one's true life if one doesn't mean it.

It's been a year since I started earning my own living. If there was anything that varied, it's that things have been invariable with me. I still cannot spend less carefully, nor am I able to behave a bit more sophisticatedly. But I feel blessed, for beneath everything, I still sense it, the primary suffering bundled with life itself, and the one and only truth that no one can do nothing about.

There are people lost their sentiments for good.

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工作已经一年。
最近常常想起做前两份工作的日子。11月开始在X报上班，那时在做的网站还在筹备阶段，为了增加竞争性，上班时间不段被提前，每天5点起床，6点到公司，进入机器人状态猛翻译几个小时，直到老板在msn群聊框里大吼一声：we're done guys! time for breakst. 然后我会跑去那栋旧得感觉随时会塌掉的工业大厦的楼道里抽一根烟，冬天的阳光从楼梯间高高的窗户里照进来一束，烟的影子在那光中慢慢散开。然后回到办公室 call早餐吃，用左耳听local同事就一模一样的事情每天重复抱怨，再从右耳一字不落地过滤掉。那时候满脑子想的就是，这样的日子还要过多久。
没过多久，毫不费力地回到S报，回到了做记者的轨道中。对于做记者，谈不上喜爱，也深知自己不适合，仅仅是看到自己的名字变成印在油墨纸上的byline时 获得一些微小的满足感。在外面跑新闻的时候，我从不会举手提问，一是没有那么多问题，二是提不起足够的兴趣。也不大跟同行交流，不是没有努力过，只是总插不上话，有点格格不入的样子。不过写稿子交差倒是从来不成问题，不时听到编辑顺口表扬一句还能乐个半天，现在想起来却都已经恍如隔世。生活毫无规律可言， 甚至吃不上一顿完整像样的正餐，好在靠着各种招待会的refreshment也基本可以果腹。天气好还算过得去，要是不巧赶上降温、刮台风、下大暴雨的日子，就苦逼得不免自怜，感到自己像个烈士。
想起这些实在平常，奇怪的是，当所有的细节都还历历在目，那样的经历却像已经万分遥远，远得我甚至不觉得经历过的是我自己，倒像是默默过了一段本该属于别人的人生。
我突然明白，若干年后，想起现在在F台工作的日子，也会是一模一样的感受。这会是另一段想起来就像是与我无关的记忆。谋生的方式有很多种，但如果不是诚实地对其产生兴趣，就永远不像是在为自己而活。

工作已经一年。如果说我有什么变化，那就是我毫无变化。花起钱来并没有宽裕一点，为人处世也没有世故更多。我感到幸运，因为我还能感到在这一切表象之下，生命原始的痛苦，和让人束手无策的绝对真实。我知道有人已经再也感觉不到。

Page Flipper.

These days I've been quite upset searching for an apartment yet making not a bit of progress. When all I want is merely an affordable and not-that-unbearable place to live in but it seems so dim, the realization that I have been, am being and will always be an externality in this city simply shouts itself out. And I'm more than reluctant to plea for help, and I don't wanna give in an inch, and I hate myself for being so annoyingly stubborn.

Still, I have very strong incentive to get the hell through this painful process, that being, the eagerness to arrive at the next episode of life. I suppose moving (and moving in together) should fall into the definition of "a new episode of life," however an uneasy one it may be. It could be I expect so much from the future, it could also be I'm just fed up with the present, it could actually be both. But why bother digging into the details, when life will find a way to force itself forward after all. 

What really concerns me is, can flipping over pages after pages of life be the solution of life itself? I understand vaguely but well enough that it doesn't really work this way, I just can't help wanting so much to paging into the next chapter of life while leaving this one behind. Technically speaking, it's not the content, but the route/direction of life that I actually do give a damn about. Let tomorrow land safe, let yesterday never reoccur. As to today, well, as long as I still survive, let it just be what it ought to be. Here we get to it again: life is elsewhere. It sounds hopelessly sweet, but else? where? 

Post-Room in Rome.

I randomly decided to watch this movie today, solely to kill my afternoon time at first, and felt terribly blessed for how this random decision has made my day unexpectedly.

It reminds me of how I have fallen in love every time, with absolute foolishness and blindness, believing love is what conquers all.

It also reminds me of several very close friends of mine, who share the similar nature with me, however differently our stories finally led us to.

Days ago I belatedly found out a facebook page of a friend, which she only shows to the the closest ones and reveals her saddest affections deep down, pieces of her broken heart. I happened to know most of what she has gone through. And above all, she puts:" I'm always in love."

Maybe love IS really what conquers all. But we just easily confused passion, lust, wild urges, an instant rush of blood into the head, or whatever feels so intense that we thought it has to be love, with what love truly is. It's probably the misunderstanding but love itself that hurts us. Strictly, I'd rather believe that way.

Loving a stranger is probably the most fatal thing on earth, and achingly beautiful.

But what really touches me about this movie is it perfectly shows that, while we should have guts to fall in "love" regardless of all (for this part we've done good enough), we ought to also have the true grit to let go.

This is the only way we get stronger.

Two scenes

I've witnessed (well, one ear-dropped) two scenes today, both allowed me a slight glimpse of marriage - a thing everyone has been so obsessed with and so desperate to put themselves into.

Scene one happened on my way to work, while I was smoking waiting for the company shuttle.

A woman, with a baby attached to the front of her, was talking on phone with a sarcastic mean tone. It took merely 10 seconds for me (or any stranger around her in that circumstance) to figure out who exactly was she yelling at. It was her husband's mistress, or I should say, in a way more familiar to all of us, the third one in a marriage, the little bitch.

From the conversation I learned that the mistress has also a child that belongs to the unnamed husband, which makes the whole story seem a bit cruel to me as the woman beside me is carrying a baby, which is still just an infant.

From the conversation I also learned that the woman has not even a slight accusation against her husband, who has slept with another one with a child born, but sole rage at the mistress she was talking to.

From the conversation, to be accurate it was her disorganized and foulmouthed group of broken words, I understood her several key points: 1, You like sleeping with my husband, fine with me. 2, You wanna raise his child, fine with me. 3. I would let you pass should you just give back all the stuff and money belongs to my husband.

When my curiosity was fulfilled, I crushed out my cigarette and headed right to the awaiting bus, not because I ran out of time, but I truly felt sad for the idiotic woman and her idiotic marriage.

Scene two was much less dramastic, and happened on my way back from work, on the company shuttle.

A male anchor who sat behind me was chit-chatting with a female colleague about his just-happened wedding. They were talking about how costly a wedding could possibly be, and how much effort was demanded during the preparation of it.

"My wife and I got registered in the end of 2009, and threw the wedding after almost one year," he said.

"Why on earth was that for?" she asked.

"Well, um...we think after all we'd better follow the ordinary routine. And in an ordinary routine, a wedding is a must,'' he sighed.

Well no, I'm not gonna comment anything on the subject, for any word against marriage would be easily deemed as cynical or attributed to some queer reason like "you're too young to get to it."

I also believe and tend to believe there must be some people happily married in the world, rare in my knowledge though.

What bemuses me a bit is, while I see people able to embrace marriage as unconditionally as they do, I seldom see the tolerance of a same level be granted to those who are not a fan of it.

That is gravely bizarre. 

A closure, a start?

So after the two days scratching my head making a critical decision, I realized I'm not even close to fulfilling one of my new year resolutions - be fearless. 

Actually, I have deep fears in my heart. Some of them have been there for quite a long time. For all these years, I'm dealing with them by pretending they don't exist, while for this time, the very first time that I find pretentious ignorance doesn't really work. 

The one thing you should know, darling, is feigned courage doesn't make you a conqueror.

It sounds lame, I know. But I guess admitting the fear itself without fearing is also necessary. Since I'm already here - pretty far away from the person I'd wished to be, I just have to be honest with that. "Never fool the person in the mirror," I surely believe this is the right thing to do and I hope I've done it correctly.

做一个坚定的Pessimist。

现在我或许是不该看调调低沉的书的.但这两天还是在一切可以无所事事的间隙里重看了一遍《悲观主义的花朵》.原以为本书可以与自己现在的状态起到一点呼应,却发现是大大地估计错误了.
绝望,浓烈,不可自拔的爱——我没有.真的没有.
我有的只是一个个轻佻,虚荣,犯贱,自甘堕落的困境.
而我相信它们都是事出有因的,并且竟真的一点一点细致地回到自己过去的人生轨迹中去寻根究底.偶尔对别人说起,但并不要求对方会相信或理解.我已经不是小女孩了,不能再依赖没有道理的"原谅".
"Maybe it's finally time to deal with the real self of mine,"每天都对自己这么说着,因为总得想办法让自处变得简单些.
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虽然每天已经大部分时间都是独自一人的,但我还是嫌独处的时间不够.远远不够.
一无所有的日子里,所有的欲望的确只剩下一个人抱膝坐着.
而日子却不会理会你这卑微的愿望,依旧自顾自混乱地飞奔着.
几年前无意中学到的一点物理常识总是提醒着我:任何状态的熵永远在不可逆地增加着.亦即这个世界永远在不可逆地日益混乱着.如果不相信一个万能的上帝,尊重科学便是我唯一的出路了吧.
我想让日子规整一点,简单一点,不那么混乱一点,无异于做梦.
何况我对生活上一次还可以用"简单"来形容的那个截屏已经毫无印象.
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小时候很期待将来,是相信将来总会比当下好;小时候也会害怕将来,是害怕它没有自己想象的好.
现在我还是期待将来,是奢望将来不至于像现在这么糟;现在我已不再害怕将来,因为我知道它总会结束.
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我想没有人知道我在说什么,这就对了.

It might be inappropriate for me to read any grey-styled book for now. Still, I finished rereading the book in all my possible spare time these days. And it turns out I was totally wrong by expecting it could answer some of my current confusions.

No. I definitely have no such kind of desperate, wild and powerless affection. What I got is just a dozen of frivolous and depraved dilemmas.

Interestingly, while I believe I must be caught in for some reasons, I did spend some patience to trace back the path I've been through for an attribution of the situation. And I even mentioned to some of my friends pretending thoughtlessly. It all became possible as I didn't expect any understanding or acceptance. I'm just too old to depend on others' forgiveness any more.

"Maybe it's finally time to deal with the real self of mine," I told myself everyday as something has to be done to make it easier staying with myself.

While I am spending most of time by myself everyday, it's still far from what I need. In days like this that one truly have nothing to lose, all her desire has shrank to sitting there holding her own knees.

But this is not how it works, as life still rushes forward in a disordered way.

According to some physics that I accidentally picked up years ago, entropy is always increasing in our world. That means, as long as a mess exists, irreversibly, getting bigger and bigger is the only way it goes. I suppose believing in science is the one and only choice left with me as I have no god in my heart.

Hence, I would just be daydreaming while I hope everything can turn to be simple again. Not to mention I can't actually recall when was the last screen capture that everything was simple.

I liked to fantasize about a future when I was little, and I still expect one now. For as a pessimist, I know even if there has to be something we call it "future", it will end after all.

I wish no one understood what I've been talking, coz no one should.

first published feature.

You can actually tell from the date that it's been quite a time ago. Crazy working days have dried all my subjective initiatives, except for I have to spare a little effort to be aware of what I've been doing everyday. This is the most important thing that demands absolute seriousness.

Hope it's not too impossible to enjoy the feature. =)

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Perfect match

Ellen Wang

Monday, June 28, 2010

If asked what is their most memorable day, most would say, without hesitation, it was their wedding day.

In the company of parents, relatives and close friends, a couple exchange vows and pledge eternal devotion to each other.

The solemnity then gives way to celebration and the heart of the joyous occasion is the banquet.

Chinese couples who stick to tradition serve a feast to guests in a dragon and phoenix-bedecked hall.

These days, however, many prefer a Western-style hotel banquet.

But what about a touch of tradition in a modern setting?

This combination of old and new is the brainchild of Cheung Tze-ho, chairman and chief executive of Choi Fook Holdings.

In 2006 he opened Choi Fook Royal Banquet in Mong Kok, the first Chinese restaurant in Hong Kong specializing in Western-style weddings.

Two weeks ago the sixth Choi Fook Royal Banquet, this one equipped with a mahjong parlor, opened in Wan Chai.

Many of the 40,000 couples who tie the knot every year in Hong Kong probably have Choi Fook in mind when drawing up plans for their big day.

Founded in 2000, Choi Fook started as one of thousands of Chinese restaurants that help make Hong Kong a gourmet's paradise.

At first Cheung did not have a clear goal in mind. All he had was sheer determination.

"I have to succeed this time," he recalled pledging to himself back then.

Realizing that competition is tough in the catering trade, Cheung had to offer something different to survive.

With an eye on market demand, he surveyed the wedding banquet scene.

"The dragon and phoenix background has long been outdated. But food quality in hotel banquets, although more expensive, can never be as good as those served in Chinese restaurants," Cheung said.

So he decided to make the best of both worlds, and over the years built up a specialized business that rakes in HK$300 million a year.

Each of the six Choi Fook Royal Banquet restaurants has a unique theme. One has an added attraction - a mahjong parlor.

And in Tsim Sha Tsui, Choi Fook operates Voila PartyHouse, where revelers can enjoy drinks and a barbecue after the banquet.

Cheung only studied up to Form Three and worked as a cleaner, fitness instructor and courier.

Then at the age of 25, he ventured into the restaurant trade in partnership with his father. But the business collapsed after only a few months.

In the following three years he was a truck driver, but even behind the steering wheel he kept dreaming of becoming a boss.

"I was born to be a boss," Cheung recalled. "All I could think of was not to work for others for long. I had to be my own boss someday."

Cheung was good as his word. He parted company with his truck and with some partners opened the first Choi Fook restaurant in North Point in 2000.

"I don't believe in failure. There are just ups and downs, and all of them make me stronger," said Cheung. "If I hadn't made mistakes when I was in the restaurant business the first time, I wouldn't know how to make the right decision now."

But the road ahead wasn't always smooth for the former truck driver. Even after the first Choi Fook Royal Banquet welcomed newly weds he faced some setbacks.

In a bid to blend East and West, the restaurant's decor was predominantly white to create a church-like atmosphere.

It was definitely going against tradition, as Cheung soon realized. "It was badly received in the beginning, especially among the older generation. We suffered losses for three months before we made a profit."

But slowly the idea of holding wedding banquets in Chinese restaurants with western decorations began to be accepted.

As Choi Fook's success blossomed, rivals latched on to the idea. Many Chinese restaurant began adopting Western themes. And hotels alarmed that their business was being hit cut their prices.

"Originally we charged 30 percent less than Western hotels. Now we're 20 percent cheaper," Cheung said.

But his aim is to tap the medium to high-end market. "We provide high- quality food and services to those who want top-quality weddings."

Cheung knows he now has many competitors, but he says with a shrug: "There's nothing to be worried as long as we always try to serve our customers in the best possible way."

He added that service is the most crucial aspect in the restaurant business, and that is something his rivals cannot copy.

As part of the service, Choi Fook offers free advice to couples preparing for matrimony.

"We understand that people can be really nervous when they're getting married. That's why we've hired certified wedding planners to provide our customers with all kinds of suggestions, including how to get their photographs taken, hotels and other wedding details."

This ambition to fully capture the wedding market prompted the introduction of the Voila PartyHouse and mahjong parlor to provide a one-stop wedding service.

All these seem to signal that Choi Fook Holdings is gradually moving from being a restaurant chain to a specialized wedding caterer.

According to Cheung, wedding banquets account for 60 percent of Choi Fook's total business, the remaining being normal restaurant business.

Cheung admits that in the past 10 years his goals have changed all the time.

"In 2000, my ambition was to open one new branch each year. But now I just want to strengthen Choi Fook's position in the wedding banquet market.

"People think of Tao Heung first when they talk about hot pot. That's what I want to accomplish with Choi Fook. I want Choi Fook to be the first name that comes to people's minds when they think of wedding banquets." Cheung said.

He said the long-term plan was to let Choi Fook go public. "But I'm not in a rush," Cheung emphasized.

"Any listing will have to come after Choi Fook has secured the leading position in the wedding banquet industry. I want people to realize that a restaurant stock can also be a blue chip."